Wednesday 4 July 2012

POTTA KANNAN




The eve of my first day in college. I was waiting in a bus stop, in an alien city not sure which bus to take, cursing myself for not having learnt Malayalam. I thought of asking someone to read out the bus route for me but I restrained myself. What would people think if a well dressed and educated young boy asked others to read out Malayalam for him?? There was a procession of buses. First, then the second, then another and another, one after the other... the procession continued. The bus stop was busy. Every few minutes my eyes would search for a familiar face, only to be disappointed. Any familiarity was short lived. Every few minutes fresh faces replaced old ones and again my quest to find someone who I could turn up to, continued. I was starting to think if I should have asked for help the very moment I came to the the bus stop.  "I would have been half way home" I thought, cursing myself again but this time for not having asked someone for help. After all,there would be hundreds of people unable to read Malayalam. But deep inside I was happy to be waiting at that bus stop. It was my dream to be a part of this prestigious college and I had to put in extra effort to even stand a chance of setting my foot inside the campus. So bad were my results in the first year of junior college that I had almost stopped dreaming of having a good career, a good job. However inspiration comes from the strangest of circumstances and that inspiration leads people to realise their true potential. I was not the only one who got inspired . Some of my friends started a business in the final year of junior college. One already had a job in hand. Some fell in love. I started studying. I was in this bliss of having achieved something, smiling without reason, in the midst of a crowd of strangers, in a bus stop in an alien city not knowing which bus to take. But I was smiling.


From nowhere a group of four girls pushed me aside and rushed to the bus that had just stopped. I was annoyed to the extent to thinking of pushing them back. The bus had left and I was still thinking of pushing them. "I should have been home by now" I thought. It was 4.50 pm, 40 minutes had passed by and I was still thinking if I should be asking someone to help me, occasionally smiling, occasionally cursing, all the while dreaming, all the while happy.

"Why didn't you take that bus, stupid!!!" said a sweet voice bringing me back from my bliss. The voice seemed remotely familiar and my heart skipped a beat hoping for the unexpected. As I turned around and scanned the area behind, all I could see were two hands being furiously  waved. Smiling within, fully aware of what was happening I acted as if I hadn't seen anything. That's when I heard that call for the first time, a call that would define me for the rest of my student life and perhaps even now. "Eda potta" shouted  the girl "ivedae, ivedae". All I could see was a beautiful face desperately trying not to smile or rather, hide her smile . But her round face, baby like cheeks, the longish eye brows meeting in the center, the small thin lips lining those beautifully symmetric teeth, everything about her was betraying her efforts, her desperate effort to hide her smile. If it were not for her large mesmerizing and mysterious eyes I would have concluded that she was very happy to have seen me there. There was always something about her eyes that made her even more mystifying. She had been my batch mate in junior college, my first love. She remained my love all along. Yet, she had brutally crushed my love without me even realising it. Unlike me, she was a brilliant student all through her life. Unlike me, she was destined to succeed in college. Unlike me, it was her aim to study in this prestigious college and unlike me she didn't have to work extra hard for it. Her usual brilliance made sure that she was the first person selected for the course. When I came to know that I stood a chance of reigniting my dreams that were so cruelly crushed earlier, my heart was filled a mix of hope and despair of both hope and despair. Hope, that I had a chance to study in the prestigious college with my sweetheart. Hope, that I would be able to make a good career for myself. Hope, that my life was finally taking the right turn. But amidst all the hope were the seeds of doubts. One look into those eyes, and all my confidence would disappear. She wasn't tall. 5 feet is not the kind of height that would make someone stand out. But her eyes, one look into those eyes and all that I would see afterwards, were those eyes. That mystery was intimidating even in an alien place, in the midst of the crowd that was in a mad rush, pushing and pulling us every now and then. I was standing there trying to start a conversation, but as always I was unable to say anything. We were sitting in the same room all through the day, but I never stood a chance of striking a conversation with her, that too in front of all my new batchmates. She was too shy and I was more scared of her than shy. I was with her, that too alone for the first time in many months, away from anyone we knew and I tried hard not to mess it up by saying something that would put her off. As always I ended up saying absolutely nothing. The crowd probably made her conscious and she was trying to behave as if she just about knew me.

"Da potta!!! Haven't you guys seen each other before." The same sweet voice brought me back again and suddenly I realised that it was not Ashna, the girl I was so desperately in love with, who had actually called me. Sitting behind her on the railings of the bus stop, with braces on her teeth,the girl who called me, was acting upset over being ignored. Wearing a light blue cotton churidar top with a bright yellow pajama that was completely in contrast with the top, she was actually enjoying my plight. To go with that was a plain white shawl that didn't match with either of the colours. She was unmistakably different from Ashna. The shawl, carelessly hanging across her neck, was entangled  with the  backpack that she was carrying. She was either not bothered about her outfit or she didn't realise how odd it looked on her. That carelessness was what made her so odd. She was not as bad looking as the braces on her teeth made her look. Those braces would put off anyone. She would have looked quite good without those monsters across her teeth. Her face looked strikingly big on her slender shoulders. Her body was even thinner. She was by no means fragile looking. But she definitely lacked the radiance that healthy skin and body gives girls of that age. That difference was more pronounced as I was admiring Ashna just seconds back. If Ashi was the a full lit moon on a beautiful cloud free night, she was the same moon on a rainy, cloudy night. You always have the feeling that the moon is somewhere out there but you are never sure if it is actually there.

She was the only one sitting on the railing of the bus stop, all the while enjoying my sorry plight. She was my classmate, one of the 16 in my class. I had spent the whole day with her, and I wanted to say hi to her, but I had a huge problem. I had this uncanny ability of forgetting names and phone numbers and that had  led to many embarrassing moments in my life. But this one would top it all. I didn't remember her name. In a matter of seconds she took me away from my love and all that I was doing was trying to remember her name. I forgot all about my plan to talk to Ashi.  Deep inside a part of me was hating her for having even existed. Part of me was thinking how to get rid if her. But for all that to happen, I had to atleast remember her name.

"Da potta!!! Are you day dreaming.....", she murmured . "Are you guys in love or what??? Why are you guys just looking at each other." "Shut up, Ria"!!, Ashi said rescuing me from a huge embarrassment. Yes, Ria was her name, I sighed with a relief that left a smile on my face, the relief that I had at last remembered her name. "Why are you sighing, stupid?? What is up with you guys??" , she asked. That was the first of many times that I experienced something fascinating about her. She had this unique ability of saying the most inappropriate thing, at the most inappropriate time in front of the most inappropriate people. She just called me stupid in front Ashi and I couldn't do anything about it.

"Shut up Ria" shouted Ashi taking control of the situation. ''Don't you ever think before saying out anything loud, that too in in the midst of a big crowd like this'' she continued. Her cheeks were red, flush with anger and it made her look even more beautiful. She was more concerned that people around her were listening and probably believing all the madness that was coming from Ria. I was silently enjoying the show. When two girls fight, the result is a foregone conclusion. The same person always won, the spectator. I won it this time and was enjoying the show. Ashi was beginning to get animated with anger, furious at her friend for embarrassing her in public. Ria, on her part was behaving as if she was least bothered and this was infuriating Ashi even more. She was sitting there in the same position, in the same place looking around and enjoying the crowd in the bus stop. After some awkward moments between them, Ria finally opened her mouth. "Edi Kazhuthae"  she said, jumping down from the railings and standing right next to her , "You look so cute when you are angry'', she continued slowly wrapping her arms around Ashi's shoulders. Ashi's anger slowly melted into a blush and her cheeks wore a tinge of pink. "No wonder this guy is in love with you", she continued looking right at my eyes. I couldn't help but laugh at the latest comment from her. Ashi for a moment looked furious but slowly the anger melted into a burst of laughter, knowing that she had been teased into accepting  Ria's company. "Are you always like this?", Ashi asked. I was happy and smiling, enjoying the very few chances that I got to enjoy with Ashi in such a good mood.

''Da Potta''!! "Our bus"!!, Ria said suddenly. I was left wondering if I was included it the "our" remark. "Bye Ashi , she said jumping up in an instant, clutching hold of my hand and leading me to the bus and I just followed her like a child being led away from a sweet shop. I was window shopping and she didn't allow me to do the only thing that I was good at, in my relationship with Ashi. I tried to suppress my anger and anguish as I looked back at an equally surprised Ashi.  All I could do was nod my head as I was trying to convey my despair in having to leave her alone in the bus stop. As I boarded the bus, I looked back at Ashi.  Her face, unusually for her had a hint of uncertainty. As much as I wanted to break free from the situation that Ria had put me in and join Ashi, I refrained, fully aware that she might not accept my presence there, in front of all those people. She was someone who came into her own when she was sure that no one was there spying on her. We boarded the bus and Ria sat on the  nearest seat that was vacant. It was a ladies seat and I stood on the aisle nearby her seat. As the bus was above to start, Ria put her head out of the window and wished Ashi good bye in such a way that the bus jolted to a stop and all the passengers had their eyes focused on her, wanting to know what was wrong. Fully satisfying herself after wishing her one day old friend good bye, she then fixed her eyes on me and stared at me as if asking me what I was doing? Tapping the vacant seat next to her, she asked me to sit down. Probably because of the consciousness that the entire bus was watching, I hesitated. She took my hand and pulled me towards her and I landed right next to her. She was totally oblivious to the stares that we were receiving receiving, while I was so conscious that I started behaving as if I was not with her. That embarrassment combined with the fact that my dream was left stranded in the bus stop, in a place that she didn't have a clue about, left a deep sense of irritation towards whatever Ria was doing. A sheepish smile hung on my face when I looked into the eyes of the conductor who was probably wondering what the hell we were upto. "Tiing Ting" the conductor sounded the bell as he concluded that we were some spoiled children from wealthy homes. As the bus started, Ria let out a final cry and waved her good bye. I too joined her this time but limited my actions to just nodding my head, as if telling her to take care.

 I was still looking back at Ashi when Ria finally said something that didn't surprise me. "I am so happy to be here,  all alone, away from my family." "My mother would not have allowed me to shout like this inside a bus. I am so happy." Then she came back to her own and said something out the blue and I wouldn't forget that for the rest of my life.

"SHE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU.... YOU IDIOT, and you are doing everything possible to make sure that she doesn't ever realize it. Now just leave her there." What I didn't realise at that time was that she had sensed what was in our minds the moment she saw me with my eyes fixed at Ashi  and that all that she did that day was planned by her instincts to save me and my love. She made me a promise that day that before we graduated, she would make Ashi realise how much she loved me. I smiled within, knowing very well that Ashi was a difficult nut even for a crazy girl like Ria to crack. A little later I realised that she was more crazy that I had thought. The bus we took didn't lead to her hostel. A couple of stops later, she got down and took another bus to her hostel. She had boarded the bus with me just to make sure that Ashi was left alone at the bus stop, to create a void that I would fill, months or years later.

That bus ride was the first of many such rides together. She used to plan my meetings with Ashi during the bus rides, and my only job was to execute the plans. I didn't believe in her plans first, as most of them seemed silly. Sometimes she would make Ashi wait for us in the middle of nowhere, or sometimes both of them would wait for me. Love for me, was divine. Love for me, was rigid. Something that cannot be changed. Ria thought that love was silly, so silly that keeping someone waiting in the sun was fun for her. I knew that her plans would not work. I probably kept doing it because being with Ria was my only chance to be with Ashi.

Ria had her own reason in asking me to follow her. She used to remind me how hard I had tried in junior college and how miserably I had failed. That reminder from her was enough for me to keep following her for a couple more weeks. Two weeks later, frustration and doubts would creep in. She would remind me again of my futile efforts in the past and ask me to just shut up and follow her,  and I would follow her for a couple of weeks. This went on for a couple of months and one day I realised that being silly in love was real fun. The plan was for the three of us to meet at a bus stop, in front of our library on a Saturday. Ashi was there first. Ria and myself would join her in the bus stop and proceed to the library for a project that Ria had purposefully planned for the three of us. Ria was late to the bus stop and I was nervous that Ashi would get upset, not so much for Ria being late but for being alone with me. I asked Ashi to proceed to the library while I waited for Ria. Ashi at first  proceeded to library, stopped for a while, turned and saw me staring at her. I was embarrassed and felt like a child caught with his hands in a cookie jar. She stared back for a while and said, "Let her take her time, we can start our preparation in the meantime". It was for the first time that Ashi had made me feel that she was comfortable in my company. That was my first visit to the library on a Saturday, but for Ashi and Ria, it was a routine. When we entered the library I realised that Ashi had her hands deeper in the cookie jar than me. The library was deserted. There were probably two more students other than us in the library. Our college was closed on Saturdays and only the library was open for students. Ashi came to her own. No one was around watching us and we enjoyed the time in the library preparing for our project. Couple of hours later Ria joined us. We didn't notice her coming as we were immersed in each others' company. "How much have you love birds researched?" Ria said, interrupting us. I would have preferred to dig a hole deep into earth and disappear forever instead of waiting for a reaction from Ashi.  But hearing her best friend calling us love birds, Ashi gave a sheepish smile and said "oof Ria, its time for you to stop this". That reply was worth the wait, the wait for more than two years. She was atleast accepting that comment in a light hearted way, and it was the first time she accepted me even in a joke.

Later on I came to know that it was a well thought out plan made by Ria that had ended in her coming late to the library. I wasn't supposed to be in the project in the first place as our guide worked only with the top ranked students. It was because of Ria pleading with the guide that I had previous experience in the subject, that he had agreed to take me in the project. This was the first time that she had planned something without my knowledge and those moments felt wonderful because of the spontaneity that I felt. As she got down from the bus that day she said something emotional. "Ashi is melting", she said. "Now take care". I knew she was serious the moment she said that. She made me feel what true bliss was and even though it lasted only for two hours, I was thankful for all that she was doing for me.

Months went by, Ashi and me got closer. Ria would always make sure that she brought Ashi along with her whenever she planned something with me. Frequently she would leave us alone. Slowly Ashi grew confident and that embarrassment she had showed earlier in my presence slowly disappeared. Other students in the class started making comments about us. Ashi started to ignore those comments and the mantle of fighting those comments was taken over by Ria, who desperately wanted to protect the hard work that she had put in since the first time she saw me staring at Ashi at the bus stop.

For all the closeness between us we never discussed anything about love. I was afraid of Ashi's reaction and Ashi for her part grew closer to me by the day, but she never said anything remotely close to the three words that I wanted to hear. I was waiting for her make the first move and deep inside me I knew that the day was not far off. But I was getting desperate and Ria could sense that. As the course came to an end, Ria decided that it was time for her to set things right. We planned that I would make the return trip to home together with Ashi and that I would propose to her on our train back to our home town. The plan sounded good to me, especially the practicality of it. If she said yes, then I would be in heaven. If she didn't, then I would be hurt, but atleast no one else would know.

The examination results came. Ashi was first, as usual. For all her stupidity outside, Ria was a brilliant student. She spent less than a quarter of the time that Ashi spent studying, but Ria still managed to come a close second. Thanks to both of them my result looked terrible, but still I managed to come 7th in a class of 16. I was like the last compartment of a train with Ashi and Ria in front of me, but thanks to the engine powered by Ashi and Ria, I reached the destination earlier than some of the other trains in the class. The results were not bad. I was sure about my placement and my career.A joy from deep within engulfed me and I always had a smile on my lips. I started to believe that success breeds success. I was confident that my love too would succeed.

The D-day was approaching. I booked tickets for myself and Ashi.  Ria's home town was to the north of the city and mine was towards the south. She too booked her ticket on a train that started approximately the same time as ours. We reached the station. My train started the journey from Cochin and was stationed in the third platform. Ria's train came from my home town and had a stop at Cochin before proceeding to Ria's place. With some difficulty Ashi and me found our seats. Ria was there with us, teasing us as usual and made us settle in the train. As her train was announced, she got off our train without any of her usual drama, leaving us together alone for the final time in her life. Part of my mind was thinking of the proposal that I had so carefully planned for quite some time. Another part was feeling bad that Ria would not be there with me to share and enjoy my feelings. As she got down, she gave us one final wave of good bye.

 This was so different from the girl that I saw in the bus when she put her head out of the bus, shouted and waved good bye to Ashi.  I had to admit, I didn't like this version of hers. She is a good girl, I said to Ashi.  Saying that I sprang to my feet, jumped out of the train, ran towards her and shouted her name aloud, just like she had done in the bus with me. She turned back. I couldn't talk for some time, my throat was stuck. I just caught hold of her and said, "Thank you". Moments of silence followed. I didn't want to make it worse for her. I knew I would miss a good friend. The horn of the train roared and the train started to move. As I turned back towards the train, she took a pack from her bag and handed it over to me. I took hold of it and ran to the train. Ashi was waiting in the door of the compartment, for me to join her. She waved Ria good bye. I jumped in the train, and saw her slowly disappear into the crowd in the platform.

We settled ourselves in the seats and the calmness in the air returned. Ria was not there in my thoughts any more. I was nervous as to how I should start. Ashi occasionally commented on the beauty of the backwaters that we passed by and I sat there just nodding my head not knowing when and how to start. I thought of buying her something to drink, but as usual, when we desperately need them, the tea vendors were hard to find. I walked to the pantry and bought us coffee. She thanked me and started sipping it slowly. With all the courage that I could gather from the coffee, I finally said "Ashi, I have something to say to you". Almost at the same time she said "Sam, I have something to say to you". I must have blushed as I felt as if I caught her with her hands in the same cookie jar, the only difference was that this time she knew that I caught her. Seconds of silence followed, and then both of us started again at the same time. We smiled and stopped. It was the first time for both of us and we were acting as novices. I finally took courage and said "Ashi what were you going to tell". Deep within I was cursing myself. What a good way to propose, I thought.

I knew I was going to hear something that was going to change my life for ever and I was bracing myself for it. Sam, she said, pausing for some time, " Sam, SHE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU" and she doesn't even realize that". I had dreamed, prepared and rehearsed for this moment for more time than I could remember but no amount of preparation would have prepared me for this. Ashi continued about how Ria had fallen for me, how she would make reasons to meet me, but my mind was no longer with her. I was thinking of how to salvage the situation and confess my love for her. I was thinking of ways to change the topic. But she continued and I kept on thinking. Reality stuck me when Ashi finally waved me bye at the railway station in our home town. It was 10 pm. Her parents were present in the station to receive her. I wished them all good bye. As I saw Ashi slowly turning the corner, slowly waving and wishing me good bye, I thought how different the situation would have been, had I been the first to speak in the train.

I walked  out of the station and took an auto rickshaw to my home. It was raining and the city was slowly going to sleep. All that happened on the day was going through my mind. Strangely it was the scene of Ria disappearing into the crowd, that was always coming to my mind. I wondered what was happening to me. I tried to close my eyes but the same scene came back again and again. For no reason I stopped the rickshaw at some distance away from my house and started walking in the rain with all the luggage. It was cloudy and the rain was getting heavier. I didn't understand what I was doing. I walked slowly, looking around, stopping occasionally,  taking deep breaths, consoling myself and probably punishing myself. On reaching home, I kept the luggage underneath the sun shade, slowly opened the doors with the spare keys that I always carry, ambled though the living room into the dining area. Water was dripping off my clothes as I stood there unsure of what to do next. I took some food that was kept in a hot pot, went out and sat on the steps of the veranda and started eating. Half an hour had probably passed by and I still was on the first piece of chapathi, sitting there in the rain gazing through the particularly dark night sky. I saw a a hint of white light desperately trying to come through the dark clouds. I suddenly remembered about the pack that Ria had given me at the station. In a split second I jumped up and frantically searched my luggage. It was a medium sized box and I had kept it in my bag. Taking it out I came back to the veranda and tried to open it. True to her nature, the box had another box inside. Every time I opened a box, I found another inside it.  I smiled, what else could I expect from her, I thought.

Inside the ninth box was a heavy object wrapped in a crumbled piece of gift wrapper. I opened it and found a cute little bell, with a long chain attached to it. On the inside of it something was inscribed, which was difficult to read in the dim light. I switched on the lights on the veranda and I read something that brought a smile to my lips. In small letters were inscribed the words "POTTA KANNAN".

I don't remember how I went inside the bedroom and when I rang her up and what I talked to her. All that I remember is that she was so busy talking about stuff that didn't make any sense to me, that she didn't hear me say, "I Love You". I interrupted her and reminded her that I just told her the three words that I had so carefully rehearsed for Ashi. An awkward silence followed for a couple of seconds and that felt like an eternity. She hung up the phone, probably not knowing how to react. "What a day" I thought, reflecting on the day that had just gone by. The clock had just struck 12, the rain started to subside and the clouds slowly disappeared. "Poor thing" I thought reflecting on the situation that I had just put her in. The phone rang and and for a second I didn't know how to react. She was very calm, as if she had planned it all carefully. But both of us knew that this was a plan that had gone horribly wrong and for some reason both of us were happy. After a period of formal banter she suddenly sobbed and I realised that I wasn't prepared to handle that. Ten minutes later I came to know for sure that I was quite good at handling girls. Slowly we moved on. That night I realised that when two people looked at the same object from two different places, for some reason it looked beautiful. The moon was glowing and it had never looked this beautiful to me. This was the first time I was sharing it with someone I loved and that too a few hundred kilometers apart and it was a sight to behold. The moon gave us company for days to come and both of us realised how stupid we were, trying to fool ourselves for the two years that we were together.

18 years hence, "POTTA KANNAN" is the bell that greets the visitors to my home. I didn't realise it on that wet rainy day, when I was admiring the moon with her.I also didn't realise that I would not be meeting her for 18 more years and probably also for the rest of my life. That image of her disappearing into the crowd, in the railway station as I was looked on from the train, keeps me awake even now. After boarding the wrong bus on the first day of college and boarding the wrong train on the last day of college, my life somehow managed to find the ride that was just perfect for me. I cannot help but think, 'What if I hadn't boarded the train back home and had stayed back to see Ria off? That image of her disappearing into the crowd might have just been a little different?


18 years hence, standing at my door step, looking out on a beautiful night, the moon looked just as beautiful. The first time the moon looked this beautiful, I was with her, talking to her, over phone, just a few hundred kilometers apart. This time we probably were a few thousand kilometers apart and the moon was just as beautiful. I was wondering if she was also watching the moon right now.
"WOW!! What a beautiful night" said a sweet voice behind me. "The moon looks brilliant'. Turning back and seeing my wife enjoying the moon's beauty, a smile flashed across my face. Right in front of me was the door bell hanging, with the moon in the background. The bell still had the inscription "POTTA KANNAN" on it and I knew why the moon looked so beautiful.