The freedom of the birds

(A letter from Sameer and my reply to it)

My dearest,

     Its been five days now and I am stuck at the first line. Do you remember the story that we used hear when we were young? The story of a small boy who wanted to fly, who wanted to feel the freedom of the birds. Yet he never jumped off the cliff fearing that he might never be able to see his loved ones again. He wished that one of his friends would push him and set him free, but they never did. He stood there, holding the parachute in his hands, wishing that it was an angel who would always land him safely. He stood there, for eternity, waiting for this angel. I have been feeling the same for quite some time. I want to feel free again but I fear the angel will never come.

     You always knew that I had something to tell you, something that I was hiding from all. Five days back I finally found the courage to sit and scribble something to you. I have managed to write "My dearest". I am holding the parachute, I have been holding it for a long time. You have been with me all through my life and its only you that I always turn for help when I am lost. And I am lost again. I am holding that parachute again.

     Eda, after seven long years, I am leaving this place, a place that has given a lot to me. This is where I chose to hide when the whole world seemed to be working on a plan to wreck me. This is the place where I found that I had the strength to fight, the strength to carry on in the midst of all those struggles. And yet when I think of leaving, I am not sad. I am not sad, because I am moving out with renewed hope, dreams and intent. Those hopes and dreams were kept alive, not by me alone, but by family, friends and friends of friends. Some of them live here, right here with me in this remote inhospitable desert.

     Someone has rightly said, any place on earth is only as good as the people you know there. You can be in the most sought -after place in the world and still feel empty without friends. There are some who don't like this place, always whining and cursing their fates. But what I found here was a treasure of some fabulous friends. I once thought that life in this place was not for us, but now I know, friends like these make life a paradise, anywhere in the world.

     You know each of my friends here. All sorts of nationalities and languages, but something common binds us all. We have shared almost everything from bed sheets, towels, to personal life and secrets. Its a bond that is made strong because of the sharing. We shared because we knew that the secrets shared with friends will never come back to haunt us. But something is haunting me now. I want to free myself, I want to feel the freedom again. I want to jump. I want to tell them all that I have hidden.

     I tried jumping, many times in fact. The last time I tried, we were in one of those parties that we have for no reason. Everyone was there. It was my vacation party. We were celebrating and everyone of them was there. The US returned scientist who really thinks he is working very hard, the smelly chemist who loves types of music that our mediocre sense cant comprehend, the cricket team captain who bowled 15(FIFTEEN) wides in an over, the manager who is the only senior citizen in the group, the statistician who always got his personal calculation wrong, the body builder who appears from nowhere whenever we open a can of juice, our only chain smoker and of course the anti-mallu whom I always love to pick a fight with. We all are fortunate that we have such a great pool of guys, fundamentally different yet who found something in common that made us all friends. . Trust, truth and openness. Even when we fought we knew that all of us were genuine and truthful. Laughing out our worries was fun with them around

     My strategic role as the group's official and default driver, the cricket matches that we won only when I played, the late night films which everyone criticised yet never stopped watching, the sharing of a single bed by four, the sunsets that always threw up something unique, the swims in the sea, the lobster catch, the fight for Albaik that I usually won, the long telephone calls on someone's phone, the vacation parties, the increment party, the promotion party, the party for party and the party for being the only person having money. Life with them here has always been a party. This was one such party. My vacation party. Everyone of us was there enjoying, I sat there thinking. I wanted to jump. But I sat there, holding on to my parachute. Waiting till my angel would come and protect me.

     All of them have been too good to me and that is making this more difficult for me. The thought that I am not worthy of their company. Eda, you knew this all the while. You always reminded me whenever I was wrong. You always prodded me to tell them the truth. I knew all the time that I was wrong. I should have told them. Told them the truth about why I took my long vacation a couple of years ago.I should have told them the truth about what was going to happen during that vacation for which we were partying then. But I chose not to. Not because I wanted to cheat. I tried to tell them, a lot of times that I lost my wife during that long never ending vacation. Those were dreadful days. I wanted to tell them that life again reminded me that fate was not the only reason to loose someone close. Sometimes all it requires is for two people to be out of their minds and life is never the same. We were out of our minds from the very first day that we met. We were out of our minds till the day we decided that we should separate. I wanted to tell them that I had at last found some one sweet to spend my life with. I wanted to tell them that I was going to make her my own. I wanted to get their blessings.

But I couldn't. I sat there holding my parachute, afraid that they will not see me the same way again. I sat there waiting for my angel. I didn't know how would they react. I don't know if it makes me a lesser friend? I have that doubt lingering deep inside me. Am I a lesser friend, a lesser human being? But you know how badly I wanted to remove this burden from my heart, the burden of lying to every one who cared for me. You know how badly I wanted to feel the freedom, the freedom of the birds again.

     I want them to know this and more. I want to tell them that I found someone sweet to spend my life with. They should know that I am happy to leave this paradise. Not because I am leaving them, but because I am going to live my dream. I want to tell them all this. Tomorrow morning when I leave this place, I will be happy for another reason. I would have told them that I had been a liar all this time. Tomorrow morning I will be free again. I would not be holding the parachute. I dont know if I will survive the jump. I don't know if the angel will be there to protect me. I do care how would they react. They might get hurt. They might talk about this long after I have gone. I might regret that I chose to jump. I might find out that there was never an angel. But I don't care if I get hurt. After all they are my friends. If I fall I would probably not see them again, they would not see me the same way again. But I don't care anymore. I want to feel the freedom of the birds again.

     But I will be sad when I fall, sad because you didn't push me enough  to make me jump. I would have been a bit stronger. Had u prodded me more. Had u pushed me more. You knew all I needed was a bit more push from your side and I would have jumped long back. I am not annoyed that you didn't push me harder. This was always my decision to make. But I am sad that you chose not to.

     Eda I have always looked up to you for support and I know you will be with me, silent as always, just prodding me a little whenever I go wrong. I know you will be with me tomorrow as well, long after after I jump. I will meet my friends after the jump. I will meet them all before I leave and I know you will be with me.

Your friend,
Sameer




Eda Kootukara,


     I knew that this day would eventually come. I knew that you will find the courage to jump. This was always your jump. You were worried about the fall. You were waiting for the angels.

Tomorrow morning you will realise that the angels were always there to protect you. Everyone of the angels will be there to protect you. The US returned, the lover boy, the smelly chemist, the cricket captain, the cigarette model, the dwarf body builder, the senior citizen, the statistician. The anti-mallu, as always will be late, but he too will be there. Tomorrow morning you will know that you have been surrounded by angels all this time, angels who would never let you fall. You were just holding on to the parachute and praying for the angels to come. All you had to do was to open your eyes. And you would have seen the angels waiting to protect you.

Tomorrow when you meet them, no one will utter a word about all this. You would wonder if they had  heard you properly. They have heard. They understand you. That's why they will not bring this up ever again. After all they are your friends. YOUR ANGELS.


I have one advice for you. Tomorrow you will be leaving to join that sweet person you mentioned. Don't hold on to your parachutes anymore. She is your angel. YOUR OWN ANGEL......

Rainyday